venting

all talk no action. at this rate, i'm going to be bald by the time i'm 21....pathetic i know. i don't understand how such a young person can be so stressed out. what was i thinking wanting to grow up so fast? now, here i am 5 months shy of 20 years old, and to the point of no return. i person can only go so far before they break, and as sad as it is to say...i'm at the bottom just patiently waiting to crack. who does that? who just sits back and watches as they fall to pieces and does nothing to save themself? Someone who has no respect for who they are. It's sad, but true. i never thought i'd be this person that i've turned out to be....and i sit and i think, yeah i know how i could change it...i know i need to go to school, one step at a time right? then how come i can't do it...how come i can't just get to that step? it all seems too hard. i never expected things to just fall together for me, or to not have to work for what i want....so why am i just sitting around like my life is on pause? this is real life...time isn't going to stop for me to sit back and do nothing with my life. as much as i wish, there is no pause button....you can only go forward. I KNOW THIS! i know everything i'm doing wrong, and i know what i should do to change everything to make me happier and a better person...so why am i sitting back doing nothing? why can't i get my lazy ass up and make something of myself like i always talked about doing...i had so many goals. in a way its good to live day by day....but not anymore. i need a plan....for the sake of my future, and my well-being. i need guidence. i need help. i am not me anymore. i need a vacation...time away to clear my head, and be happy again. i'm so lost with life anymore. i have turned into a low-life pathetic excuse of a human, who cares about no one, not even herself...how sad right? what have i become...

When I was a little girl I always said I was going to grow up and play basketball all through school, then I was going to get a scholorship to play ball, and end up playing for the Lady Sparks. Basketball was my life, and I thought it would stay that way forever. Seventh grade I remember telling my mom my goal when I got to High School was to go to the prom with someone all four years, and be in the "popluar" group. Eighth grade all of that changed. That's when I first started letting a boy have such a high influance on my life plans. After that relationship I was never the same besides in one way...letting others decide my future. I gave up what meant the most to me and all of my goals changed. I didn't go to one prom, I quit basketball, and i gave up all of my friends. After that, nothing was ever me being me. I followed what everyone else wanted from me. Since then I've lost and i've gained. I've lived, and I've learned. Life is short, but it's worth it in the end. Sophomore year in high school was the worst year, and after that i gave up. I was ready to get out, and I was willing to do anything to get there. I didn't take my time on anything, and I didn't enjoy what i had right in front of me. I thought the faster I got out of there, the faster I could move out of my parents house, and out of town, and "grow up"....so I graduated mid-term. almost eight months later, I look back and regret rushing my youth. I'm still living at home, and I'm doing nothing with my life. I feel like i'm never going to get anywhere. I recently decided to get started with college...and go second semester...I was preparing to take my ACT, and I was studying and getting so excited to do something with my life and get into a good school...deadline is tomorrow, no way to pay the $69 until the new credit card comes in the mail, and who knows how long that will take...nobody in my household is excited for me. I feel like i'm in this on my own, and that's one of the worst feelings in the world. All I want is someone there by my side, to walk through this with me...and I don't even have my own parents. My dad was only concered about me spending his money. There was absolutely no excitement about me being the second out of nearly fifty people to go to school...and my mom just sat there like there was nothing that could be done...I've given up a lot trying to rush my life, and I actually want to take this slow, and enjoy it, and live in the moment, and I hate that their taking that away from me. Im ready to get out of this house, and to get started in college...that's where I deserve to be, and that's where I will be...with or without their help!